"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will." ~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
Every story has a beginning and everyone has a time in their lives where they're born again in a sense. I'm not talking about "born again Christians". I'm talking about a time when you become aware of a part of you that has been lying dormant for a long time. When we are born that is the first time. That is when our existence is made official. Of course we were alive before that. We were deep in our mother's womb. However no one would acknowledge us fully. Now we're outside and vulnerable to everything. Many of us don't really know who we are as children, in the respects of what we want to do with our lives as we get older. There are some of us who notice certain things about ourselves at young ages, for instance whether or not we are boys or girls. When I was young, my identity was still dormant in my body. I didn't do much retrospection at that age. I wasn't like most transgenders where they knew at age two that they were different. I found out when I was at the tail end of my middle school going into my high school year that I was different for real. I was cutting and feeling really depressed because the girl was in love with didn't love me back. I confessed to her, but she liked boys. I still didn't get the hint that I was more of man than woman until a year or so later. To be honest I don't know when I knew. Like I said before I dissociated myself from myself. I never thought about what I wanted other than being an author and reading as much books as I wanted in one sitting.
My family—the typical Christian family told me being gay or lesbian is "sinful" and unnatural" so that part of me being different and all, was pushed down before I even knew it. I was so filled with garbage and about going to hell and burning forever that I couldn't see how wrong it was. I didn't see the LBGT community as people but as poor, miserable souls doomed forever. I used to say that if my kid was gay I'd force him or her to be straight. Lo and behold later on I realized that I was not any different from them. Upon realizing this I felt sick. I couldn't stand myself, but as time went on I realized that I didn't want to be a hypocrite and I didn't want to be a hateful person treating others differently based on sexual orientation when I was outside of the norm myself.
I couldn't put a name on what I was. Most of my knowledge came from where I was most comfortable at—the internet. I didn't and couldn't ask my parents because they were both against and ignorant of what I was trying to find out about myself. I tried to fit myself into labels like a child trying to fit the correct shaped block into the right holes. Was I bisexual? My therapist did her best to convince me that I was straight for a long time. I was so angry with her because she was the very one telling me I should be accepting of gay people and the gay community. However when I told her, she didn't believe me. My mom went along with it too. I was infuriated. Until one day I said I liked men. They were all smiles. I was all anger.
Was I lesbian? No. I never thought that at all.
Was I transgender? I mused over this? Now I wasn't trying to shove anything on myself, but I for the first time in my life was actually interested in myself and I needed to find a name. I needed to know who and what I was because I knew that no one else could tell me and be as accurate as I—who spent all day and all night with myself. In the end I came to terms with being transgender. I'm happy about being me today and I don't correct anyone who uses the wrong pronoun because I correct them, I'll have to correct the whole world. As long as the people closest to me can see the real me, I don't care if anyone else can or can't. That's their problem not mine. No more will I let people tell me who I am and tell me who I can and can't be. I certainly don't do that to them. I want everyone to be happy as who they are. So I expect the same respect.
Self-expression is important to me because that way I can tell people who I am through art. I can write poetry and stories of characters close to my heart and share them with the world. That way every person who feels that they don't have a voice or that they're alone can find comfort in my words. I want to embrace them with the verses and phrases close to my heart.
As a person with Asperger's Syndrome, I spent my childhood alone most of the time. I was quiet and separated from the world. I would spend days looking out the window constantly wishing I could be sent to a kinder more gentle world where love was abundant. As I got older I spent most of my time with my nose stuck in books. I wrote like mad because the anger, pain, love and passion I had were too much to be verbally expressed. At a young age I was already aware of my body's craving for sex. I wrote, though, violent expressions of sexuality and would often worry my mom. I was haunted with dreams of being raped by inhuman creatures. So I wrote and wrote and wrote like nobody's business.
When realized my sexuality, I went to the library searching for the written word of truth and acceptance. I found Julie Anne Peters' Grl2Grl and read it from cover to cover. The story about the transgender teen really stuck out to me. I thought the feeling was of sympathy but it was really empathy. I felt his pain and his anguish. I read more of her books like Luna. I also read Nancy Garden's "Annie on My Mind", which I loved. See when I was prejudice like most people I looked at Nancy Garden and thought "EEWWW" but now I look at her with respect because as I fellow author and one who writes about subjects most try to avoid, I know what it feels like to face a world of hate and bigotry.
My mother says I'm "wasting" my talent. How mother, because I'm writing the truth? My writing can be very sexual and explicit but I don't use that as the glue to hold my stories together. I use the pure pain and hurt and sense of hopelessness that a lot of people feel and turn that into strength that can help them become better people. I take the "lowest of the low" and make people understand that they too are people no matter what they did. They too where birthed from their mother's womb and needed love kindness and acceptance. Many of them didn't get that.
Here is a quote by Will Bowen on compassion:
"Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a "keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved." People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren't bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person."
― Will Bowen, Complaint Free Relationships: Transforming Your Life One Relationship at a Time
Source: Good Reads
In the end we are all deserving of love.  For the transgender hiding in fear and shame, I love you. For the homeless teen shunned by their family because they couldn't see the beauty inside of you, I love you. For those who feel like they've exhausted all revenues and have no where else to go, I love you. Know that you are loved. You may not know me and I may not know you, but that doesn't mean I can't care for you. You are not alone. The definitions of us, we must all find within ourselves. You're existence is not a mistake. You are the reason people like me want to make a difference in the world. You were the strength the and perseverance that will encourage the generations to come. You are beautiful and most of all, you are you.